Yes, Please!

It's about time! Predicted responses...

All Heffernan (and Labutta) men: Ecstasy
All Heffernan (and Labutta) women: Rage

Blizzard!

Here are some pictures that include Liz's trip to the White House, as well as the Blizzard of '09. Enjoy!

Christmas and the Blizzard of '09

Not-Quite-Christmas Billboard

"Poor Joseph. God was a hard act to follow."

This was a billboard poster put out by an Anglican church in New Zealand. Here's the link to the article. Obviously a lot of people are up in arms about this, but I think it's pretty funny. It makes you think in a Dogma sort of way - it's not necessarily the correct way, or even a good way, but nothing cuts to the quick like a little humor.

Karma - It Is a Bee-otch

When Brian Kelly was announced as the new head coach at Notre Dame last week and stated he would begin immediately and not coach Cincinnati in the Sugar Bowl UC fans and local media went completely ape-s*%t. How dare he, they said! Want a bunch of evil scumbags Notre Dame is for poaching their coach before these kids' biggest game of their lives.

Guess who's eating a little crow today?

Yesterday UC announced their next head coach would be Butch Jones, former head coach at Central Michigan. Futhermore, Jones would begin work at UC immediately and not be coaching CMU in their bowl game.

For those keeping score at home, UC just did to CMU exactly what ND did to UC. On top of that, they did it to CMU for the second time in 3 years! Kelly was previously the head coach at CMU before joining UC. He also decided to begin at UC immediately, forgoing coaching CMU in their bowl game (as he did with ND).

To recap (because the hypocrisy is almost unbelievable), UC has now done twice in three years to the same school exactly what it complained about ND doing to it.

So suck on that long and hard UC fans. Shut your damn traps and recognize this is how the big boys do business in college football.

Unfortunately, the damage is done. Much as Charlie Weis was maligned for his entire tenure as "arrogant" and "brash" for his "decided schematic advantage" comment at his introduction, I fear those against ND will use the context of Kelly's hiring to continue to berate the Irish. It is what it is - if it hadn't been that, it would've been something else.

At least Billy Cunningham will hopefully shutup now...

More Old Photos

I'm blogging! (Think Bill Murray tied to a sailboat in "What About Bob")

A while back, Colin posted some old family photos, which were so much fun to see. He promised to post more, but I haven't see any more yet. I figured I'd pick up some slack with some good photos from my own album.

Remember this trip? We've got a before and after shot...

Before our descent into the wilderness.

and 5 days later.

Kelly It Is

Here's what I said about Brian Kelly last month...

Kelly is Charlie Weis with previous head coaching experience. He runs a high-flying, fast-paced spread offense and calls all the plays. And he's benefited greatly from playing in the shithole that is the Big East. Pass.

Maybe that was a little unfair, but I still think people are biased by his Irish-Catholic background (I'm pretty sure Parseghian, Devine, Holtz, and Rockne weren't Irish and they still did okay). Here's what I will say:

• His .750 winning percentage over 19 years as a college football head coach is great.
• He has improved, dramatically, every team that he took over, and quickly.
• He's apparently very personable (effervescent is the word everyone seems to be using).
• He gets the most out of his players.
• He's shown an ability to adapt to the hand he's dealt, personnel-wise.
• He's active in the community.

All of those things will greatly help Kelly at Notre Dame. Some things that may not...

• His lack of defensive skills (being a defensive coordinator over 20yrs ago does not count). Although I'm willing to look past this because the old adage is, "Whoever score the most wins" and not "Whoever holds their opponent to fewer points wins."
• His recruiting experience. Again, willing to overlook this considering what he's able to get out of the players he has on hand.

I never bought the myth of the home-run-hire, e.g. Meyer or Stoops. Those guys had already tasted the pinnacle of college football success and could do nothing but fail at Notre Dame. If they won, it would have been expected. If they lost their skills are questioned and Notre Dame doomed to football mediocrity (at least, according to the pundits).

In Kelly Notre Dame gets a proven winner in the prime of his coaching career with something to prove. More importantly, they get a guy who wanted to be at Notre Dame and who was at the top of the Notre Dame wish list.

All in all, I'm cautiously optimistic. Like I said in an early post, I think Kelly has the resources on hand to make an immediate impact next year. It's amazing what a modicum of leadership and motivation can do to turn around a flagging program.

UPDATED: Tomorrow It Is Then

Barring a disaster of O'Leary-ian proportions, I expect an announcement on the new head coach at Notre Dame tomorrow. I have no "inside information". I base this on the fact that Notre Dame allowed the man currently in charge of the program (and recruiting) to leave to be the head coach at Akron today. This fact leads to one of two conclusions:

Optimistic: Notre Dame has their next coach lined up and will announce him shortly.

Pessimistic: Swarbrick is in way over his head and the program is crumbling around him.

I choose to be an optimist. I'm going to assume Swarbrick wouldn't, intentionally or otherwise, leave the team without a leader for any significant duration. That's why I'm guessing we'll find out who the next coach is tomorrow.

UPDATE: These mofos must be reading our site. Please note that my post originally went up at 2:07p ET and that article did not appear until 40min later. What does that mean? That I'm awesome, of course...

Meltdown - Tiger Style

And here's wishing a Happy Holiday season to the Woods family. They'll need all the help they can get. Never before have I seen such a catastrophic chain of events take place so rapidly to a public figure who until Thanksgiving had a PERFECT image. Initially, I figured things would blow over, but it seems to be a snowball rolling down hill at this point. It's unbelievable considering Tiger was one of the most well-known respected people in the entire world.

Check out this sequence of events:

• The week of Thanksgiving, the National Enquirer runs a tell-all story about Tiger's alleged mistress.
• 2:30am after Thanksgving, Tiger crashes into a fire hydrant and tree outside of his house. His wife, Elin, allegedly uses a golf club to break the window to free him.
• Tiger is taken to the hospital and released the next morning.
• Rumors fly about a link between the affair and Tiger's accident. Scratches to his face seem to be inconsistent with his accident. Could it be a domestic fight?
• Tiger refuses to speak to the FHP investigating the accident.
  
• Alleged mistress denies all claims of an affair and hires Gloria Alred as her attorney.
• A second woman comes forward with a lot of proof about an affair with Tiger to US Weekly.
• US Weekly releases a voice mail message from Tiger to the woman "Hi, it's me Tiger...", asking her to remove her name from her phone becaue his wife went through his phone and got his numbers!
• Original mistress schedules a press conference.
• Press conference is quietly canceled after a phone conversation between Tiger and/or his lawyer and the woman.
• FHP issues routine traffic citation and closes the case.
  
• Tiger releases a statement apologizing for his "transgressions".
• Transgressions becomes the #1 Google search query on the internet, confirming that most of America have a third grade reading level.
• Tiger cancels his appearance at his OWN charity golf tournament. Millions of dollars are probably lost for charity as a result.
• More women start to come forward claiming affairs, many with pictures.
• Details about Tiger's late night club visits in Orlando and Vegas emerge.
• Jesper Parnevik, who introduced Tiger and Elin when she was his nanny, publicly bashes Tiger.
  
• Elin purchases a home on a private island in her home country of Sweden.
• Tiger's attorney quietly starts contacting the representatives of the women claiming affairs. Can you smell a payoff?
  
• Elin's mom flies to Orlando from Sweden to be with her daughter.
• Golf club is reported to be a wedge.
  
• Police reports are released to the public. Apparently, Tiger was intoxicated at the scene. His wife produced bottles of Vicodin and Ambien to the authorities.
• Tiger's hospital records are leaked saying his admit diagnosis was overdose. Reports say he was ventilated.
• Reports surface that the FHP tried to get blood results from the hospital but were denied.
  
• Tiger informs his best friend who is getting married this weekend that he can no longer be his best man - less than a week in advance!
• A blond woman was taken to the hospital from Tiger's house by ambulance last night.
• The number of alleged mistresses has reached 10 as of this morning. More to come I'm sure!
• Hospitalized woman is confirmed as Elin's mother.
  

Where this stops, I have no idea. However, I think the Golden Bear's records may be safe. This might be enough to derail Tiger permanently. Then again, look at John Daly. That guy is like a cat with 9 lives - and people love him for it! Maybe Tiger will now be the Tour screw-up and get the sympathy fans!

I Need to Remember My Phone Has a Camera

Last night I had to hit up Giant to get some milk for Zoe. As I'm leaving the store I hear the signature yipping of a small dog - with Doppler effect. It's 9 o'clock at night, about 30 degrees, I've just left the gym, and I'm confusedly sweating and trying to figure out where this strange noise is coming from. Then I look to my left and see a small light coming slowly towards me. The yipping is coming from the light. As it gets closer I can finally make out the origin of the sound, and I am awesomely rewarded...

An older Asian gentleman is riding a motorized scooter (did I mention it was 30 degrees?) with a flashlight bungee-corded to the handlebars, groceries bungee-corded to the back, and a small dog bungee-corded to his leg. The dog is barking at everyone he passes, and the man gives me a stern look as he passes and I devolve into laughter. Seconds later I pass a young kid going into the store with his mom and I overhear him asking, "Did that guy have a dog in his lap?"

There have been more situations than I can count when I've seen something so unbelievable or hilarious or both that I've said to myself, "I wish I could take a picture of this because no one will believe it happened" - like the time I saw a van painted exactly like the van from the A Team (replete with spoiler) while riding my bike into work - only to have the moment pass with me forgetting my super fancy phone can take pictures and video. Hopefully, the next time I'll have proof...

Parental Blackmail

Zoe was a pain this weekend. Lots of crying, generally crummy spirits - even with over 5 inches of snow to play in she was, at best, just bearable. Then we got a Christmas tree and started decorating. Then I told her about Santa Claus, presents, and his naughty/nice list. I've never seen a child go into "nice" mode faster. She immediately became more receptive to requests from me and Stephanie. Even better, if she did something that was even questionably inappropriate she would turn to me and say, "We're not going to tell Santa Claus, right?"

Does it make me a lazy parent that I'll use such petty tactics to keep my kid in line? Maybe. Is it 100 times better than crying, screaming, and time outs? Absolutely. I will milk this for all that it's worth, and then I'll probably try to incorporate it into her birthday somehow. And maybe President's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Easter, April Fool's Day, and Memorial Day in between. Please let me know if I've overlooked any other holidays...

It's Christmas Time!

Want Some Apple Juice?

Confession - I love Star Trek: The Next Generation. It was a great show during its original run (once it got its feet under it) and it continues to live on via awesome internet mashups that I've featured here before. Well, here's another awesome video where they've apparently just thrown together randoms clips and matched the characters lip movements with gibberish. Classic...

Are you for panda rape?

World Cup 2010

In case you guys missed it, the World Cup draw took place last night and today. The US was not one of the seeded teams, but we did get a pretty good draw. Her's how the group stage plays out:

Group A: France, Mexico, South Africa, Uruguay (France, Mexico)
Group B: Argentina, Greece, Nigeria, South Korea (Argentina, South Korea)
Group C: Algeria, England, Slovenia, United States (England, USA)
Group D: Australia, Germany, Ghana, Serbia (Germany, Australia)
Group E: Cameroon, Denmark, Japan, Netherlands (Netherlands, Cameroon)
Group F: Italy, New Zealand, Paraguay, Slovakia (Italy, Slovakia)
Group G: Brazil, Ivory Coast, North Korea, Portugal (Brazil, Portugal)
Group H: Chile, Honduras, Spain, Switzerland (Spain, Switzerland)

I've put my selections for who advances (2 teams from each group) in parentheses. I'm probably totally wrong, but some of these are no-brainers. I do say that someone really likes Germany, Italy and England, as those groups are not very good.

I'm hopeful that the USA can qualify for the second round, but we usually suck in the World Cup Finals, so my expectations are low. Maybe if we get schooled the USSF will hire a decent coach. Yeah, and I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Out on a Limb

I've got a theory about Notre Dame's recent lack of success in football, and I'm going to share it here because I haven't heard it said anywhere else. Along with this theory comes a prediction. Here goes...

Theory: The largest gaff committed by Charlie Weis in the course of Notre Dame's failure the past three years is that he recruited Jimmy Clausen. Because the presence of Jimmy Clausen, as great as he has been statistically, is the true cause of Notre Dame's failures.

Prediction: Notre Dame will win 10 games next year, not because of whomever is eventually hired as the new coach, but because Jimmy Clausen will no longer be the on the team.

Am I crazy? Maybe. But hear me out.

Clausen's announcement that he would be attending Notre Dame was one of the most obnoxious, over-the-top events in memory, and it alienated a lot of people. Following that, Clausen's early enrollment (a first at Notre Dame), subsequent arm troubles and secrecy, and the quarterback shuffle that followed overshadowed everything else about the program. Weis' coddling of Clausen led to the transfers of QBs Demetrious Jones and Zach Frazier. A 3-9 season ensued.

For better or for worse, the quarterback is the face and soul of a football team. If there's one common thing that's been repeated about Notre Dame football over the last 3 abysmal seasons it's been a lack of motivation and fire. Jimmy Clausen comes across as a smug, privileged, punk (just ask whoever gave him that shiner or read this article). Coincidence? Clausen's presence as the "leader" of this team, combined with Weis' kowtowing to his every whim killed team chemistry and cost Notre Dame 3 years.

So next year, with the cancer that is Jimmy Clausen moved on to the NFL and a new head coach in place to rally the troops I truly expect to see a turnaround much like we saw in Weis' first year.

UPDATED: Loss for Words

I started and deleted about 5 different drafts to address the current state of Notre Dame's football program and all the commentary about the same. But none of them properly conveyed my contempt for the schadenfreude permeating in the sports world for the Irish, or could properly address all the ironic (and moronic) statements about ND being irrelevant, or could effectively mock the repeated assertion that Notre Dame's academics are too difficult for today's apparent caveman high school football recruits.

Then I read this article.

See, this is why I just infrequently contribute to a half-assed family blog and I'm not working as a writer (that, and I'm illiterate - I just dictated this to a hobo and had him type it for me). John Walters was able to address all the incorrect conclusions being drawn in the interwebs and by the talking heads on TV regarding ND football, to affirm his (and my) belief that Notre Dame will rise from the ashes like the mythical Phoenix to set fire to everyone and everything in its path, and to throw in a quote from Say Anything to boot, in succinct style.

Kudos to you, Mr. Walters. You have a new RSS subscriber...

UPDATE: Here's another great pro-Irish article from a different columnist over at FanHouse. Where did this FanHouse site come from? They're suddenly tops in my book...

Poor Arby's

I don't know what it is, but Arby's just can't cut a break. First, The Simpsons killed them in their Lord of The Flies spoof with the classic quote, "I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's." Then I ran across the flow chart above the other day.

Arby's used to be the place to go (assuming there wasn't a Rax around) - I remember rocking 5-for-5's in high school before track meets, then promptly puking them up at said meet. Maybe it's the roast beef angle. Maybe it's that Colin and I went there last year while we were moving and ordered, in total, two Beef & Cheddar sandwiches, two curly fries, and two drinks and the bill came to a staggering $24. Whatever the case Arby's can't get any love, and it saddens me...

Let The Wild Rumpus Begin!

Well, I don't think there's any doubt that Charlie Weis' days at Notre Dame are numbered. So who will be the replacement? I may be in the minority, but I think the obvious candidates aren't necessarily the best...

Brian Kelly, Head Coach - Cincinnati - Yeah, he won a national title at Grand Valley State. Yeah, he made Central Michigan slightly better. And, yeah, he's done well with Cincinnati. But let's say for the sake of argument that Brian Kelly's name was Bill Krakowski, and that he was a Protestant and not Catholic. Would he still be the number one candidate for the position? I say no. I think people are putting too much emphasis on the Irish-Catholic angle and allowing it to blind them (just like they did with George O'Leary, and we all know how well that turned out). Kelly is Charlie Weis with previous head coaching experience. He runs a high-flying, fast-paced spread offense and calls all the plays. And he's benefited greatly from playing in the shithole that is the Big East. Pass.

Jim Harbaugh, Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football/Head Coach (I'm not joking)- Stanford - Oooooo... he's instilled his toughness in Stanford, molded them in his image. What a bunch of hooey! Let's forget for a moment the outcome of the last head coach ND grabbed from Stanford. Harbaugh has been blessed with having a big, white tailback in Toby Gerhart that has carried his team for 3 years. Take away Gerhart and Stanford instantly reverts to the mediocre, finesse passing team that they were before Harbaugh (and, more importantly, Gerhart) arrived. He's a big talker with a record of 16-19 at Stanford. That, and he's a Michigan grad. Pass.

Bob Stoops, Head Coach - Oklahoma - Just stop kidding yourself. Really, it reeks of desperation and vanity.

Urban Meyer, Head Coach - Florida - See Stoops, Bob.

So where should Notre Dame be looking? Well here are a few coaches that haven't gotten as much publicity as those listed above, in no particular order (actually, they're in alphabetical order - by first name!!!)...

Butch Davis - Head Coach, North Carolina
Chris Peterson - Head Coach, Boise State
Gary Patterson - Head Coach, TCU
Mike Riley - Head Coach, Oregon State
Paul Johnson - Head Coach, Georgia Tech

Maybe you think those are bad choices for one reason or another, whatever - you're not the athletic director so who cares. I guess my point is two-fold. One, I hope ND is only considering coaches that have extensive head coaching experience at the highest levels. Two, I truly hope that Jack Swarbrick is more intelligent than everyone on the ND bulletin boards (myself included) and is casting his net far and wide.

Regardless, the most important thing at play here is that the next Notre Dame head coach, whomever that turns out to be, MUST be able to return the program to consistent top-10 status. The cupboard appears to be as well-stocked as it has been in years, and another 5 years of failure would be a self-imposed death penalty for the program, one from which it might not recover.

Government Health Care: Why it is a terrible idea

I don't think anyone would be surprised at my total disdain for Congress, Obama and their proposed Affordable Health Care for America Act. As a physician, I have a little bit of insight as to how this will affect health care, and let me just say that it isn't good.

Full disclosure, I admit that I have personal reasons too. The $848 billion dollar plan will be financed by 2 primary means: reducing medicare reimbursements and increasing taxes on the "rich". Explain to me how it is fair that the very doctors who provide health care to America will get paid less to do so with decreased reimbursement, while paying higher taxes too. This is a recipe for disaster. Any smart person with half a brain would probably think twice about going into medicine. That means standards for doctors will decrease, and your overall health care will decline as well!

Anyway, a media firestorm that erupted this week gives a perfect example on why the Affordable Health Care for America Act or any other government run plan will fail. In case you hadn't heard, an independent panel of experts called the US Preventive Services Task Force recommended the guidelines for screening mammograms be changed. The current guidelines are screening mammogram yearly starting at age 40. The new guidelines are screening mammogram every other year starting at age 50. Why did they make this recommendation? Because there are too many false positives in younger women, and it was deemed cost prohibitive to screen that early and often. Of course, this opened up insane debate on every major news service.

The interesting thing is that if the government has more control of health care, this will be the way things are run. Independent reviews will make cost-benefit analyses for all kinds of health care tests and procedures. They will set guidelines, and the government will reimburse medicare, medicaid and the proposed new public insurance option based upon these guidelines. Then, private insurers will follow suit, because the government always pays the least because they are the biggest insurer. What this means using the screening mammogram example above is that your insurance will only cover biannual screening mammograms after 50. You won't have the option to start at age 40.

It just doesn't work. The government doesn't run anything efficiently (See the proposed organizational chart above) . This new health care reform will just put more money into the pockets of the government and less into health care. For an example of government inefficiency, look no further than the Cash for Clunkers program. Edmunds determined that of the 690,000 cars sold under the program, only 125,000 of them were sold because of the deal. The other 565,000 would have been sold anyway during that time period. That means the $3 billion taxpayer dollars used to give these rebates cost the government $24,000 per extra car sold. Good work America!

Review This

For the record, the odds of Notre Dame converting a 4th and 16 were slim. The odds of them converting that 4th down, then driving the field in 2 minutes and scoring a game-winning touchdown were slimmer. I expected Notre Dame to lose, and Pitt deserved to win. That said, the automatic review that overruled the on-field call of an incomplete pass and changed it to a fumble to decide the outcome of the game was terrible.

The biggest problem with this call is the referees immediately blew their whistles, signaling the play dead, and waived their hands for an incompletion. Thus, no Notre Dame player attempted to recover the "fumble" and even the Pitt player who did pick up up did so halfheartedly. This is the exact same situation as the opening drive against Navy where Robbie Parris was determined to fumble after a review overturned the on-field call of incomplete pass. Players are told to "play until the whistle". In both cases, the whistle blew and ended the play and in both cases Notre Dame was penalized for not continuing to play beyond the whistle. So now players are expected to anticipate how calls are going to be reviewed and risk penalties for continuing to play on after the whistle?

The college review system is severely flawed and HAS to change. If every play is reviewed, why are coaches given challenges? If Parris' fumble against Navy was really a fumble and every play is reviewed, why did it take a coaches challenged by Navy to get the play reviewed and eventually overtured? Did the review team look at at, determine the on-field call was correct, then look at it closer after the coach's challenge? If so, not only is this a indictment against the current system, it's an indication that the review teams are unqualified.

Notre Dame has benefited from as many review calls as they have been hurt this season, but that's not the point. The purpose of reviews is being abused and is having widespread effects across the college landscape. If you're going to automatically review every little minutiae in a game, why not review for penalties called or not called? Oh, because it becomes overbearing, slows down the flow of the game, and diminishes the role of on-field referees? Well, what do you think reviewing every f$%&ing spot and tip-toe on the sideline does? Worst still is the mysterious "review man" in his lofty booth, above reproach and scrutiny.

If you want reviews in college move to the NFL system, which seems to work just fine, thank you. Give the coaches a limited number of challenges and penalize with a timeout for those that fail. Make the on-field referees perform the actual review so there is accountability. If the system continues as is, games will continue to be decided in the booth rather than on the field, and that simply cannot continue to occur.

That Should Just About Do It...

I always used to say that Navy was the one team I didn't mind Notre Dame losing to because if they won, they truly earned and deserved that victory. Well, after two losses to the Middies in the past three years, I've realized I like ND losing to them about as much as I like ND losing to Southern Cal.

Here are the facts:

• ND was thought to have a chance to run the table this season, with a strong returning team and a favorable schedule.
• Weis was thought to have to bag at least 8 victories to keep his job after two abysmal seasons.
• After a blow-out win over Nevada, ND went on the road and lost to a Michigan team that is proving to be horrible.
• Aside from a easy win (that could have been easier) over Washington State, ND has needed to go down to the wire to win every game this season, including a down-to-the-wire loss to Southern Cal (8 in a row).
• Three games remain - @ top-10 Pitt, at home to UConn (who gave UC a mighty scare this weekend), @ top-20 Stanford.

Frankly, I don't see how ND can beat Pitt or Stanford the way they've played this season, and even topping an emotional UConn now seems suspect. Notre Dame finishes the season 6-6, with an outside shot at 7-5. Hopefully, a bowl game will be declined - ND doesn't need to play in another shoeshine bowl on Christmas Eve...

Notre Who?

Who needs that lousy college team from Northern Indiana. Give me the Bengals!





Who Dey!

Just a Thought...

As I drove to work this morning on the toll road some idiot who didn't have EZ Pass got in the EZ Pass-only lane at the toll booth, then realized his mistake, then tried to reverse out of the EZ Pass lane, then nearly caused about a dozen accidents and backed up traffic for about 1/2 mile. This led to the following chain of thoughts...

1. I live in a big city with a diverse, itinerant population.
2. Although we have an excellent public transportation system, a large percentage of our population still commutes via automobile.
3. 1 out of every 2 drivers sucks (based on a very scientific poll I conducted on my way to work this morning) - and either talks on the phone, texts on the phone, reads, uses a laptop while driving, or is foreign.
   
4. Almost every state has a vehicular 'points' system wherein drivers are alternately rewarded or punished based on their driving record.
   
5. Stereotyping is incredibly convenient.

Those thoughts in mind, I propose the follow - a color coding system for license plates and/or registration stickers to indicate your driving aptitude. For convenience and interstate coordination I recommend we base this system on the national threat level color codes as surely poor drivers are the greatest threat to this country.

Think about how helpful this would be! Not only would it make driving easier because you could avoid the majority of the knuckleheads on the road, but I'm betting the stigma of having everyone on the road know you're a s$%t driver would force people to hone their skill. On top of that - you could charge the bad drivers higher registration fees to cover the cost of their color coding and maybe even turn a handsome little profit. Everyone is a winner! Let's make this happen, folks...

Oh Boy

In case you haven't seen it yet:

The Trailer for Avatar

This movie is going to be big. I am waiting anxiously.

I Hate You, Pat Forde

I don't know why I still occasionally visit ESPN.com (actually, I do, it's to read TMQ every Tuesday). Anyway, caught the most recent Forde Yard Dash (isn't that clever?) and read this excerpt...

Steve Spurrier (35) and Charlie Weis (36) are supposed to be all about offense, right? Well then, why have their teams failed to score 40 points in a regulation regular-season game since 2006?

Notre Dame's non-40 streak now spans 32 regular-season games, dating to when Brady Quinn was wearing a gold helmet.

Ever heard the phrase statistics can be skewed to show anything? That's been adopted as the ESPN motto. Nevermind the fact that everyone knew Notre Dame has been rebuilding the past two years. Nevermind the fact that Forde conveniently limited this to regular-season games and excluded the 49-point shellacking ND handed to Hawaii in the Hawaii Bowl last December. What really bothers me is that although ND hasn't scored 40 points this season, they have averaged 30ppg. Call me crazy, but I'll take 30 week-in, week-out over some of these teams that drop half a hundred one week and 13 the next.

Lesson learned here - stick to TMQ and don't wander, because it only makes me angry...

If I Were A Closer...

I actually watched a couple minutes of the ALCS last night and saw Mariano Rivera come in to close out the 9th. When he came in, they played his classic closer music - Enter Sandman by Metallica. Well, classic... yes. Not actually his though. A ton of closers have used that music before and after him. There are also a bunch of other songs that seem to always get used by closers. However, they always seem to stick to that pop-metal genre.



I'm not sure, but I would trace the use of closer theme songs to the movie Major League. When Rick Vaughn came into the game as a converted closer in the big finale, they rocked out to a version of Wild Thing that brought the house down. I'm sure music was played during pitching changes before that, but not customized theme songs. That movie changed it forever.

Anyway, all of this got me thinking. If I were closing out an MLB game in the 9th, what would my music be? There are some requirements. It has to have some kind of unique intro before building up to a powerful chorus. It has to fire up the pitcher and the crowd. It's a bonus if it ticks off the opposing batter. Intimidation is cool too, but not many songs really intimidate. I think it also has to somewhat fit the personality of the pitcher in some way. I'm not really a metal kind of guy. So after much thought...

Stop Whispering
Radiohead
Pablo Honey
Capitol/EMI Records

Fill up the comments. Let me know yours!

More of the Same

Another Notre Dame football Saturday, another game decided on the final series (actually, ND got the ball back after the Brian Smith's interception and ran three plays - you just didn't know this because NBC decided to instead alternate close-ups of Charlie Weis and Dave Shinskie for 2 straight minutes, neglecting to show ND running out the clock in "victory formation"). Unfortunately, ND's schedule that looked so promising, i.e. easy, to start the year doesn't look so promising any more.

With games remaining on the road at 7-1 Pitt and we-have-an-inexplicably-awesome-white-running-back Stanford, the potential for a slip up or, at least, more games going down to the wire is high. Throw in home games with Navy (who still fails to garner any recognition after almost beating Ohio State in Columbus and knocking off ACC contender Wake Forest) and Connecticut (who is now playing with emotion after losing a teammate) and I'm certainly concerned. Looks like the only potential "gimme" is the rare NBC night game on Halloween against Washington State in San Antonio, which I would bet $1000 is only being played at night in order to keep ND students watching the television rather than having awesome Halloween parties.

Win or lose, you can bet NBC is loving this season. The Southern Cal game drew the highest rating for a Notre Dame football game since 2006, and no doubt the nailbiters are drawing viewers - both for and against. Every Saturday night has left me exhausted. If this script plays out at Thanksgiving and sees us eek out a victory over Stanford, I've got two words - pool party!

My Most Recent Pet Peeve

In order to get this off my chest (and also give the boot to the last headline on the blog, ugh) I present my most recent pet peeve:

When watching sports on TV, after any important play, instead of showing the viewers at home a replay, the networks instead have decided to show prolonged close-ups of both head coaches/managers.

Why not show us a replay? I continually resort to having to use my cable box DVR to re-watch the play. I don't care about how the coaches/players feel about a play, just show it to me again, and in 5 different angles!

Sometime I had TV networks.

More Than A Game

It is here. The annual matchup between Notre Dame and USC. I admit, I was having a hard time getting pumped up for this game. I meant to post this early this week but I couldn't bring myself to do it. In my heart of hearts, something just tells me that USC will have no problem covering the 10 point spread the game is sitting at. It's hard to get pumped up for the impending disaster. But as I started to read a buch of articles about the game, I started to get the butterflies. There are so many aspects to this game, that it transcends just a W or L on the schedule. A Notre Dame win could catapault us into elite status for years to come. Conversely, a Notre Dame loss could set the program back 5 years.

The Streak

Yeah, we won 11 straight from 1983 through 1993, but that is long gone from national recollection. We have lost 7 straight, and lost them badly. I want this streak to end. Until we win, we will have to bear the burden of hearing about how USC owns us.

BCS Bowl
We will be favored in every game after this. We have a great shot at 11-1 if we beat USC, and that puts us back into a BCS bowl.

Heisman Trophy
We have given USC its last 3 Heismans. Seriously. Carson Palmer trashing us in the last game of 2002, Matt Leinert repeating this in 2004, and Reggie Bush "pushing" his team to victory in 2005 absolutely pushed these players over the top in winning the award. Now they return the favor. Clausen is near the top of every Heisman watch list, despite getting ZERO preseason publicity. He has earned this with 4 come from behind games (getting outdone in Michigan) and leading the nation in passing. Everyone agrees that an ND win puts Clausen in the clear lead.

Charlie's Future
If I have to hear another sportscaster use the phrase "signature win" when describing Weis' record, I am going to puke. Regardless, Weis is on the hot seat. Anything less than a BCS bowl will cause serious assessment of his future. No USC win, no BCS bowl. It's that simple. If Weis stays, we are loaded with talent and this could be the start of our elite run. If we lose and Weis goes (likely), ND starts over again with a new coaching search and another down stretch that almost always accompanies a new coach. Losing this game and Weis could set us back another 5 years.

Recruiting Windfall
"It is sickening how much talent will be on campus there," Rivals national recruiting analyst Jeremy Crabtree said. "Not only the No. 1 player in the country, but many No. 1 players at their positions."
Rivals call it a potentially transcendental group of athletes. No less than 24 of the best recruits in the nation will be making visits. Not only seniors signing in February, but juniors too. A good showing by ND and we could land an absolute windfall. According to Rivals, 18 4-star and 5-star players will be on campus. We could be set for a decade if we convince a bunch of these guys.

So what is my prediction? As with all things in life, I don't think this game is as black and white as the arguments I presented above. I think USC wins comfortably. ND puts up a fight, and avoids the blowout loss. Weis does just enough to hang on for another year, and we pull in 3 or 4 recruiting commitments. As for the Heisman - Clausen has no shot even if we blow out USC. Florida will go undefeated and America's Tebowner for Tebow will give him his 2nd statue.

Hole in One!

After over 20 years of frustration, anger, joy, and swearing i finally attained what all golfers dream of, the hole in one. I usually golf by myself, but was lucky enough to hit my first hole in one while paired with three other golfers, Mike, Phil, and Conrad.

As you can see from my scorecard below, my game fell apart a little bit after the old uno, but it was mostly due to a horrific short game mixed with a complete lack of caring how I did after shooting my hole in one.

I did the damage on hole two at Sligo Creek Golf Course. Here is a link to an official scorecard which shows the course layout:

Official Scorecard

I play this course a lot, and usually hit a 9-iron on hole two. I also usually come up a little short with this club selection. Today I decided to go with a light 8-iron. I must admit that I hit a pretty sweet shot. It soared majestically through the air and was going straight at the pin. I saw it roll towards the cup and then disappear. Initially I didn't think it actually went in, and was just happy that I even hit the green, but the other three guys I was paired with all said it went in. I thought I just didn't see it due to a hill or some other obstruction, so I had no plans of celebrating until I walked to the hole. Hole 2 was playing about 135 yards that day, and as I walked closer I realized it did in fact go in. After reaching the hole I picked up my ball and thanked the gallery for cheering me on. I also fixed my ball mark because that is what courteous golfers who hit holes in one do.

Here you can see the scorecard which I made everyone in my group sign:




Here is the ball that traveled so gracefully though the air, hit softly five feet in front of the pin, and rolled gently into the bottom of the cup:



The old Maxfli 2 will certainly be retired and sent off to stud.

My Heart Can't Take This

Could there possibly be a fan in the nation that has had a rougher football season than the Notre Dame grad who lives in Cincinnati and roots for the Bengals? I can't ever remember anything like this. It has been the most exhausting, emotional roller coaster that I have ever endured as a fan. It keeps getting worse, with both teams going into OT this weekend! Don't believe me? Think I'm exaggerating? Think your team can trump my cardiac kids? Check these out. That's 9 games, 8 decided on the last play of the game or in the last minute.








Denver (L 7-12)
Down 6 late in the 4th quarter with the offense doing NOTHING all day, Carson Palmer rallies for a late drive to put Cincy up 7-6 with 38 seconds left. You've all seen the highlights as Brandon Stokley caught a miracle deflection for an 87 yd TD to win it.

Green Bay (W 31-24)
With the game seemingly in hand, Graham kicks a FG with less than 2 minutes left to put the Bengals up 10. The Pack march down the field and use some strategery, kicking a FG and attempting an onside. Kick recovered, but the Bengals hold on.

Pittsburgh (W 23-20)
Down 20-9 in the 4th quarter, the Bengals rally again for a furious comeback. Palmer throws for a TD with 14 seconds left and then they convert the 2 to get some breathing room.

Cleveland (W 23-20 OT)
Looking putrid for 3 quarters, Cincy somehow puts a drive together to take the lead - wait they get the PAT blocked!!! So they go to OT and it takes 14:56 to kick a game-winning FG.












Nevada (W 35-0)
No problems here. The kind of game I like!

Michigan (L 38-34)
Down 31-20 in the 4th, the Irish rally for an amazing comeback to go up 3 with 5 minutes to go after an awesome statue of liberty play for a 2 point conversion. Michigan then drives it down and wins it with a TD and 11 seconds to spare.

Michigan State (W 33-30)
Ali and I witness the pain in person. After a demoralizing run in the late 2nd and early 3rd quarters, ND rights the ship and takes the lead with 5 minutes to go. MSU drives down the field into certain FG range. An open receiver drops the game-winner in the end zone, before McCarthy picks it off on the 12 with under a minute to go.

Purdue (W 24-21)
A 4th quarter rally gives Purde a 21-17 lead with 3:41 to play. Clausen makes another game winning drive to get it to the 2 with under a minute to go. On 4th down, he finds Rudolph in the end zone for the win.

Washington (W 37-30 OT)
Red zone ineptitude results in 5 FGs. Down 24-22 with under 5 minutes to play, the ND defense puts on "The Greatest Goal Line Stand in History". That's right, I put it in quotes and gave it a title. 1st and goal at the ND 1, we stop them cold three times. They kick a FG, but we get called for... ROUGHING THE SNAPPER!!!!!!!!! What? Has that ever been called, ever? I never even saw what we supposedly did! So they get 1st and goal on the 1 AGAIN. And we stop them 3 more times to force a FG. Clausen then rallies for a TD (Rudolph again), but the Dawgs come right back and kick a FG to send it to OT. We score quickly, and then they have a 4th and long that McCarthy uses as an opportunity to separate the receiver from the ball - and his helmet! By the way, check out the replay and look at the receiver's arms after that hit. Awesome!

Shut Up, Harkes (et al.)

The only thing more annoying than the US national team's play of late has been is the way their performances are being treated in the media (Jamie Trecker being the lone exception).

In the past year or so, the US has played exactly 3 halves of decent soccer - versus Spain in the Confederations Cup and the first half against Brazil in the same tournament. All of those halves showcased the typical American grittiness that has become the team's trademark, but they also featured new skill players that haven't been present (mainly because they haven't been given a chance) in previous teams. But rather than focus on those new skill players the gritty, hardworking spirit BS gets beaten into the ground.

This wouldn't be a problem if media and public perception didn't play such a role in sports today. Everyone is afraid to make drastic changes because they may backfire. So rather than trying to patch the hole in a sinking ship, they'll just keep hoping they reach land before they take on too much water. The role that pundits (and former US players) like John Harkes and Alexi Lalas play in this cycle is doing the team a disservice and miseducating the American soccer public. Rather than praise those who are doing well (except Landon, who's been on a tear of late), they heap rewards on those players working the hardest - those showing that American grit. The Michael Bradley's, Jonathan Bornstein's, and Brian Ching's of the world. Meanwhile, they continually criticize the better players - Dempsey, Spector, Demerit...

Well guess what? The reason Bradley and the like are working so hard is they keep screwing up! "Bradley does a great job chasing back there and tackling! He's all over the place!" That's because he just gave the ball away without any pressure in midfield and he needs to make up for his mistake. Next time you watch a US game, count the number of times one of these bums makes a blatant mistake and see how often they're called on it (on a related note, Bornstein's inclusion in last night's game after his performance over the weekend - or ever, really - is one of the most mind-boggling coaching decisions of all-time. With Cherundolo on the bench, it's the equivalent of starting Jim Sorgi over Peyton Manning. Except worse). Then count the number of times Dempsey or Spector gets called out for "not hustling" or "just not having it tonight". It's quixotic. The good players make it look effortless. They see the flow, take the right angles and positioning and, thus, don't need to run all over the place like a mad man to catch up to it. The game comes to them.

You don't see this often with commentators in other sports - if Collinsworth sees Peyton Manning make a terrible play, you can bet he'll call him out. Just once I would love to see ESPN use one of their European crews, the ones that handle Champions League games, call a US game. The feedback and information you'd hear would be a polar opposite to the regular crew. And you know what, contrary to what they may think, that's a good thing!

UPDATE 1: Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! Stop it already!
UPDATE 2: The sane words of a man who knows what he's watching.

Lose the Pleats, Charlie!

The thing that annoys me most of late when it comes to Notre Dame mockery is the "Charlie Weis is fat!" approach. Read any article about Notre Dame, then scroll down to the comments. Within about five post there will undoubtedly be a comment about Weis (usually mispelled 'Weiss') eating cheeseburgers or a poorly photo-shopped image of Jabba the Hutt.

Make no mistake, Charlie Weis is a lot of things, but svelte is not one of them. And no doubt, I often used these very putdowns when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. But look around the college coaching landscape any given Saturday and you'll see Charlie is not alone. The coaching profession isn't exactly a picture of public health (actually, and sadly, it probably is - but that's another post altogether). I think the big problem is Charlie's wardrobe. Here's a photo of Charlie in typical practice attire, which usually consists of an ND-branded windbreaker or pullover...

Weis: Looking Normal

Now compare that to his usual gameday attire...

Oh my God! Why?

You see the difference? Charlie Weis has an... unfortunate... waist, and those damned pleated pants with the tucked in polo only exacerbate his shapely hourglass figure (not the good kind). I think we need to start some sort of petition to get Charlie to carry the pullover look over to Saturdays. The image and reputation of Our Lady are at stake here! I'm only partially kidding when I ask, does anyone have a contact in the ND football office to whom I can make this plea/recommendation? Any ammunition we can take away from non-fans of Notre Dame is welcome in my books, and this seems like a pretty simple remedy. For God's sake, Charlie - lose the pleated pants!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good

Notre Dame blanks Nevada 35-0, posting their first shutout victory since 2002. Clausen and Floyd looked great. The offensive line was strong, giving Clausen plenty of time and opening gaping holes for the ground game. The Irish racked up 510 total yards, 178 on the ground, and had no turnovers. Not a bad start...

The Bad

Notre Dame's opponents for the season?

• Michigan 31 - 7 W. Michigan
• Michigan St. 44 - 3 Montana St.
• Purdue 52 - 31 Toledo
• Southern Cal 56 - 3 San Jose St.
• Boston College 54 - 0 Northeastern
• Stanford 39 - 13 Washington St.
• Navy 27 - 31 Ohio State
• Pitt 38 - 3 Youngstown St.

So much for that super easy schedule...

The Ugly

United States 2 - 1 El Salvador.

Sometimes I cynically joke while watching a poorly played soccer game that I could play for the team. In reality, I'd get run off the field and lose the ball every time it came my way. Well, tonight I say with 100% confidence that if I was playing for the USA I would not be the worst player on the field. Not only that, I would probably put in a better show than 4 or 5 of the Americans that saw the field tonight. Not that I'm that good - I have no such illusions of my ever deteriorating skills - but the USA was that bad. I mean really bad. Atrociously bad. The refs made some bad calls (taking away a clear goal by Jozy Altidore with no explanation chief among them), but make no mistake - the USA was awful. They deserved to lose and should consider themselves fortunate their World Cup dreams are still alive. Bob Bradley's coaching career? Maybe not so much...

It's Almost Here!

In preparation for the wonderful time of the year known as college football season I held my annual screening of Rudy.

Suffice it to say I am now so pumped up I may tackle a stranger on my way to work tomorrow.

Done with the Reds

I am officially done with the Reds for 2009. They did well this year; they kept my interest into July. However, after watching them start their annual slide by giving up a very predictable grand slam to Albert Pujols to turn a winnable game against their division rivals the St. Louis Cardinals into a bitter loss I am throwing in the towel.

Oh, and to make my annual exodus as a fan even better, the Reds decided to go ahead and spot the Phillies with a 21 run lead as we speak. Yes, you read that correctly, 21 runs. 3 touchdowns. No, I am not talking about the Cincinnati Bengals, I am talking about the Reds, the baseball team.

Well, at least ND football won't break my heart this year...

Fingers Crossed

Hopefully I'm not jinxing anything, but the weather forecast for Nags Head, NC is now available on the sidebar...

6 More Days...

...and this will be me.

"Mas cervesas, senior?"

The New Eddie Johnson, And Other USMNT Thoughts...

• Ahhhh! I thought we had it! It was right there! I could touch the Confederations Cup trophy, and then it all slipped away less than 1 minute into the second half. What can you say, Brazil is Brazil and they were better.
• Curious (awful) substitutions by Bradley in the final. Sure, he was hampered by Michael Bradley being suspended, but if Sacha Klesjtan, Conor Casey, and Jonathan Bornstein have told us anything it's that they cannot play at this level. Thank you all for your time with the USMNT.
• I don't buy the hype on Jozy Altidore. Granted, Spain is fanatically racist, but there's likely a reason why Villareal loaned him out and then Xerez never played him. Those reasons can be seen every time he plays - he has a horrible touch, he can't hold up the ball, he wins nothing in the air, and - worst - he looks lazy. Charlie Davies has shown more speed, creativity, and all-around effort. Sure Altidore got the goal against Spain, but rewatch any of those games throughout this tournament. We're better suited with Dempsey playing up top.
• I think the possible addition of Schalke midfielder Jermaine Jones could be a huge piece to the lineup puzzle. We now look set in the backfield with (L to R) Spector, Onyewu, Demerit, and Bocanegra. Donovan simply shocked me. And Dempsey is our best player. Ricardo Clark is shaky at best, awful at worst. Same for Bradley. Feilhaber seems to just disappear for long stretches. If we're missing strength it's in central midfield, and Jones could provide much needed help. The return of Maurice Edu from injury should also be a big boost.
  
• I'd love to see Torres, Kenny Cooper, and Freddy Adu used prominently in the Gold Cup. Why keep these guys on the roster if you're never going to play then?
• Demarcus Beasley is done. Kaput. Finished.
• As much as I like him, I think if the USMNT wants a good showing next summer they need to upgrade from Bob Bradley. Under his guidance the USMNT has been wildly inconsistent and lacking the tactical acumen to play with the best. Let's face it - if not for Tim Howard the US loses to Spain in the semis and give us probably 6 more goals against Brazil. Rumor has it that European-based US players find his training sessions laughable. Enough of this crap about, "understanding the American soccer player." American soccer players need to grow up and earn it. Bradley, for all his brings, simply doesn't have it in his skillset to take them to the next level.
  

The miracle of BLOEMFONTEIN

Jozy Altidore is the future of American soccer

The US got crushed by Italy, and then humiliated by Brazil, the US managed to sneak into the Confederations Cup semi-finals by beating up on a hurt and tired Egyptian team. With one match remaining, the US needed to beat Egypt by 3 or more goals, and have Italy lose by 3 or more goals to Brazil. That was the only situation where a US semi-final appearance would occur. We made it into the semis because of the #4 tiebreaker (points, head-to-head, goal differential, goals scored). You could have made a lot of money in Vegas betting on the US on Saturday.

Granted, I'm excited that we actually qualified, but it was a miracle we did. Depending on how you look at it, we get another chance to prove the world wrong/right for thinking we are no where near being a top soccer power when the US plays the #1 ranked team in the world: Spain.

I think we're going to get demolished even worse than what happened against Brazil and Italy. I think it's going to hurt, and I think both David Villa and Fernando Torres are going to make our defense look silly. But come tomorrow night at 8:30PM, I'm finding a TV so I can watch the US get waxed.

Wii Time!

For our anniversary, Teresa got me a Wii. I think it was partially for her enjoyment as well, as she has obviously enjoyed beating me while bowling. However, with all that being said, I just wanted to say that Heffernan 4-somes for Tiger Woods golf is on!

Rodney Dangerfield models the new Wii Putter

God Bless You, Jonathan Spector

After getting demolished - DEMOLISED! - in Costa Rica just last week, I was hesitant to tune into Saturday night's USA v. Honduras WCQ game. In the former, Marvelle Wynne started at left back. Marvelle Wynne. He's big! He's fast! He's the prototypical US soccer player! Especially in that he is simply big and fast, with no discernible soccer skills (see Onyewu, Oguchi and Ching, Brian). Nevermind the fact that Jonathan Spector flew like 30 hours to join the team in San Jose from England or that Spector starts week in, week out in the EPL. We've got Marvelle Wynne!

It started poorly - Carlos Bocanegra being Carlos Bocanegra, missing a tackle and giving up a goal within 5 minutes. At this point I truly believe that Onyewu and Bocanegra only play because of their offensive threat on set plays (Bocanegra would later score what turned out to be the winning goal, before injuring himself less than a minute later on another poor tackle). I don't know what's more troubling - the fact that our central defense is picked not for their defensive skill, but their offensive contributions or the fact that we can't depend on innate offensive players to score. But after that the US settled in. Landon Donovan actually attacked defenders - something he's rarely done since 2002. Geez, even Ricardo Clark looked good.

And then there was Spector. Perfect positioning. Completely effective tackling. And those overlapping runs and crosses - a thing of beauty down the right. His combos with Dempsey were straight out of the EPL. Every time the US attacked from the right, he was involved in the build-up. Yet every time Honduras countered, he was back in place. Never once did I fear a Honduran attack from their left because I knew there was no way they were getting past Spector. I have never had such confidence in any US player. What's troubling is that Spector is now 23 and has been playing regularly in England for over 5 years, yet this one of his first starts in WCQ. He continually takes a back seat to bums like Wynne or Jonathan Bornstein - MLS regulars who simply rely on athleticism to get by and who cannot cope with the pace and skill of international players. If Spector stays healthy, he should be starting for the US for the next 10 years.

As usual, Jamie Trecker has his scathing review of the US team post Costa Rica here. He's spot on. I think if the US has any hopes of succeeding next summer in South Africa they need to find a replacement for Bob Bradley. Nothing against Bradley personally - he just doesn't have the tactical acumen to take this team to the next level. Furthermore, he doesn't have the guts to bench the US "regulars", which has led to complacence.

Either way, I'm looking forward to the Confederations Cup next week. The US will be playing loaded Italy and Brazil squads in group play. It should be rather illuminating, and by "illuminating" I mean "embarrassing".

Alien Reboot

We all love to take shots at Hollywood on this blog, and I came across a "hot of the press" article about the next crappy Hollywood remake - Alien!!! Knowing our family's strong love of the Alien franchise, I thought you all might be interested. I will not get into the merits of this remake, because Ridley Scott does appear to be involved. However, I have no hope that any reboot that comes from 20th Century Fox will be even watchable.

What I do want to do is direct you to read an article on the reboot at one of my favorite sites, Ain't It Cool News. The article is brief, but what you really need to read are the Talkbacks below. This website is famous for it's loyal, intelligent readers that post hundreds of Talkbacks debating every article. Sometimes I read a few, and I wondered what the average sci-fi fan thought about this reboot. The results are f$%^ing HILIARIOUS!!!!!! Go to the bottom of the linked page and click on the first post to open up the talkback area and laugh so hard you cry. I did!

Here is a sample to enjoy:

• We're already remaking Alien and Predator? Ridiculous. Let's remake a film that needs to be remade... how about Star Wars Ep I,II,III?
• I'd love to see a teen version of alien, I always wondered what "the breakfast alien club" would be like. This could be as good if not better than Jason x!
• can't we simply stop production of this and move on to a film that really needs to be made? The fans demand Aliens Vs Predator Vs Rocky right flippin' now!
• Cast Miley Cyrus as Ripley and her dad as Hudson. Zac Effron can be Hicks. The Aliens can be pink with big, adorable eyes and require shooting with friendship guns in order to make them nice again. And we all learn a valuable lesson.....the end. Awwwwww, isn't that a neat idea Hollywood? Golly gosh I'd love to see that movie...so marketable.
• why god why

How Are the Reds Winning?

Willy Taveras cf
Jerry Hairston 2b
Chris Dickerson lf
Jonny Gomes rf
Ramon Hernandez c
Alex Gonzalez ss
Adam Rosales 1b
Paul Janish 3b
Aaron Harang p

Believe it or not, this was the starting lineup for the Reds today as they kicked off a series against the Astros. 3 of these guys weren't in the majors 2 weeks ago. Worse than that, other than Taveras, none of these guys were guaranteed a starting spot at the beginning of the season, and most were questionable to make the roster! So what did the antithesis of "Murderer's Row" do? They beat up on the Astros for 8 runs on 13 hits winning 8-5.

So how did we come to this awful lineup? Votto has been out for 2 weeks now with an inner ear infection. Phillips broke his thumb. Encarnacion has a broken wrist. Bruce was worn out and got a day off.

How have we continued to win? Our pitching ROCKS! Our starters have been as good as advertised. Our bullpen has been solid. Cordero has been almost perfect as closer. I was a little worried when Volquez went down with back spasms, but it looks like he is fine.

I honestly am optimistic about the rest of the season. The Reds are hanging in there despite the MAJOR injuries that have depleted our already below average offense. When we get guys back healthy and summer rolls around, I think we may be a complete team that makes some noise!

By the way, I still hate the Astros. Even though they suck this year, I always remember that awesome game we went to at Riverfront when we were really young and there was a huge bench clearing brawl. I'm glad they suck!

Nice...

Finally - FINALLY - I was able to get FiOS installed at the house this past week. I was disappointed it wasn't available when we moved last summer, but they started laying the wire this winter and I had been eagerly anticipating it since. This was elevated when Colin and Liz moved into their house and promptly had FiOS installed. Man, was I jealous.

Anyway, aside from the beautiful HD picture that never stutters and the gorgeous on-screed display the internet is blazing fast (sorry all you suckers in Cincinnati stuck with Time Warner) - 20Mbps/5Mbps down/up. I knew those speeds were legit, but I wanted to do some speed tests just so I could drool.

So I headed over to speedtest.net and saw 19.8d/4.8u. Just to bask in it I went to speakeasy.net and saw 19.9d/4.7u. Nice. Then I saw that Verizon offered their own test and tried that - 6.4d/1.6u. What!? I tried all three again and and got similar results. I tried changing the test server locations - same results. Then I look at Verizon's results closer and see a note that says something to the effect of, "Your system has not been optimized for FiOS. Click here to download FiOS optimization tools." Ahhhh... So that's the trick - say my speeds suck, trick me into downloading and installing some crap-ware, then - miraculously! - I'm hitting those previously-promised blazing speeds. Sorry, Verizon, I'm not biting. When multiple other sources repeatedly tell me that I'm getting what's been advertised, I'm not gonna bite for your junk.

Aside from that, I'm loving FiOS. It beats the stuffing out of Cox in every category possible. Even better - it's $20 less per month. You'd have to have brain damage - or live in Cincinnati - not to switch!

Taken: 60-second movie review

I'll not give anything away in this review, other than high praise for Liam Neeson and whoever wrote this movie. I watched it while Teresa and her mom were out shopping and Sam was sleeping. At 94 minutes, it's not very long, but Taken definitely keeps you entertained and engrossed. For those of you who don't know, Taken is about a former US-government agent who is hunting to find his kidnapped daughter.

There were four (4) major reasons I loved this movie. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Liam Neeson is a bad-ass. Not only is he a bad-ass, he's a convincing bad-ass. At times I felt he had no soul, and that's just plain awesome in this type of movie.
   
2. The stupid factor is very low. This is mostly because Neeson is such a hard-core killer. Granted, this is Hollywood, so there are some spots where you question the validity of what's happening, but you can't expect to have a stupid-free movie these days.
3. As a new father, I understand Neeson's devotion to his daughter. At several points in the movie, I felt a fatherly pride in what Neeson was doing.
   
4. This movie makes fun of France and French people. I wholeheartedly agree with this theme.

In all, I'd say Taken was as good as, if not better than, Man on Fire. You can definitely make comparisons between Denzel and Neeson, and they are pretty good comparisons, for the most part. I'd give Taken 3 1/2 stars out of 4.

Another Classic Heffernan Photo

Random thoughts and questions related to this photo:

1. Kevin had the good sense not to be included. A rare stroke of genius for young Kevin.
2. Bridget and Ted seemingly are putting on their mean faces. Not a good look. Not at all.
3. Ian was captured while talking. Again, not a good look.
4. Colin decided to rock a pink shirt that was 4 sizes too large. He may have also tried to look tough, but failed miserably.
5. Awesome 90's fluorescent t-shirts? Check.
6. Rolling of sleeves on t-shirt? Check. Thanks Bridget.
7. Is Ted wearing white shorts?
8. Does Ted still have said white shorts?

Oh, Hell Yes!

Punch Out! Wii. May 18, 2009. And a mocumentary of a real-life Little Mac training for his comeback. And, yes, I have already pre-ordered this at Amazon. You should too, even if you don't have a Wii...

Ted's Star Trek Review (no spoilers)

So I checked out the new Star Trek movie last night. I admit I wasn't too jazzed about this when I first heard of the project over a year ago. However, the trailers won me over and made me think this could be something amazing. Then, as early reviews started to come out, I was shocked. Everyone claimed this was the most amazing Star Trek ever. It had 100% on the Tomatometer, which I have never seen. Many said this was accessible to non-Trek fans, and people were calling it this summer's Dark Knight.

With all that aside, I will say this is an exciting movie with great action and a lot of good laughs. That is typical of the Trek spirit. However, as a series reboot, it was forced to do 2 things. It did both well.

First, the characters had to be re-introduced. This was definitely the highlight of the movie for me. It was great to see all the classic characters come to life in a way that I have never seen in any previous movies and especially in the series. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty and Uhura are each introduced with a big bang (Sulu's intro was definitely my fav)! In this single movie, every one of those characters has more action than in everything else I have ever seen (except Kirk and Spock). In addition, we learn new things about them that are pretty cool.

Second, the movie had to come up with a way to continue this rebooted series without having to redo all the previous series and movie episodes. When you think about it, you can't just redo Star Trek 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. So they had to come up with a plot device that allowed for a new future to explore. Did they ever pick a doozy! I think this plot device is actually pretty interesting, but if you weren't a Trek fan, it would be pretty hard to figure out the full implications of this new movie. Thus, Trek neophites will miss out on a quite a bit. It actually required a bit of thought on my part to fully grasp the implications of what they have done.

So this movie accomplished what it had to. I recommend everyone check it out. Was it the spectacular epic that all the reviews I have read claim? No way. Very entertaining, but not a cinema masterpiece. I think that Abrams needs to come up with an iconic villain to rival Khan, the Borg and villains of other series. That would take the new Trek series over the top!

A New Regular Column

Mom and Dad recently visited with some pictures of the Royal Heffernans from the good old days. After viewing them I had an idea. I am going to be posting somewhat regular posts showing some of the old pictures. Some are sentimental and some are funny, but many will be posted. I don't have a scanner, so I will take a digital photo of the pictures. It's not the ideal method, but most of us will remember the original picture nonetheless.

This brings us to the first picture:



What the hell were we thinking? Matching denim?! What the heck! Not one of us thought for a second that we might all look like idiots? I guess Mom and Dad were smart enough to not be caught in the photo. I actually remember thinking I looked pretty good at the time. I was wrong.

I have additional wallet sizes of the original if anyone should want one.

We're Not Detroit!

God, I hate Cleveland. That's why I love these awesome fake* Cleveland tourism ads so much. "Who the f#*k still uses a pay phone..." Classic...





* or are they? Dun dun dun...

Time To Get HBO

Looks like the Cincinnati Bengals will be featured on this season's edition of Hard Knocks, the HBO documentary series that follows one NFL team through training camp each year. It's a great show and extremely addicting. Even with the last two seasons featuring the Kansas City Chiefs and Dallas Cowboys - two teams I have zero interest in whatsoever - I still made it must watch TV. Now with them showing my Bengals, I'll have to block off an hour on either side for prep and cool down, respectively. Full article here.

P.S. Do you think they'll allow the camera crews to follow the players into the police stations and courthouse?