Please Fire Peter King

If you don't know who he is, Peter King is (somehow) the head NFL writer for Sports Illustrated. I included the parenthetical for two reasons...

1. Peter King writes at a 3rd grade level.
2. Peter King is a buffoon.

Yet, somehow, King gets first dibs on anything NFL related. And he typically proceeds to butcher the subject matter with incoherent gibberish.

His most recent attempt at journalism was in the aftermath of a US Judge ending the NFL lockout earlier this week. An appeal of the decision is likely, and one of the determining factors in that appeal is whether or not the lockout constitutes "irreparable harm" to the players. In ending the lockout, Judge Nelson believed it did. Here's how King explains how the NFL will contend otherwise...

One legal expert said Monday night he would be surprised if both Nelson and the appeals court denied the stay. His reasoning was that the league would argue that irreparable harm couldn't be done to players in April and May if they were in limbo, and free agency, if it began in June, would still give the estimated 495 free-agent players time to find employment for the 2011 season.

Compare that to a similar explanation by SI's resident legal expert Michael McCann

Judge Nelson was convinced that players would suffer irreparable harm -- meaning a harm that cannot be adequately remedied by money damages, including even trebled damages in antitrust lawsuits -- if they lost the 2011 season. The players argued, to Judge Nelson's satisfaction, that by sitting out one season, players' skills would diminish and careers would be shortened. She also highlighted how unrestricted free agents are in "contractual limbo" and that 2011 rookies would be unfairly harmed by a lockout since they could not play in the NFL or college in 2011, and then they would return in 2012 and compete against next year's rookies, who would have benefited by playing the 2011 college football season.

Now, which one of those more clearly explains the situation? If you said King, congratulations! You're a moron. Yet, for some reason - name recognition, I can only assume - King's article is highlighted on the homepage at si.com and McCann's is buried. It would seem to me, as an unbiased consumer, that you would want to call more attention to the more informative option. But I need to remind myself that journalism today is less about informing and more about page views. Disappointing...

More teams, more money, more problems

For the past 15 years, baseball has used the following format for their playoffs: 3 division winners and a wild-card in each league. This meant that only 8 teams out of 30 would make the playoffs, and teams compete for more than just their division pennant. Baseball has the fewest number of teams make the playoffs, and also has the highest number of games in their regular season. The result is a regular-season that counts more than any other professional sport in America, with the (at least in my opinion) exception of football.

I’ve long argued that while the baseball season is way too long, tradition and the fact that it matters so much to determine playoff teams, kept the 162-game season relevant. Now, however, in the tradition of college football and the BCS, baseball is poised to add another two teams to the playoffs . The proposed format would have the wildcard teams play each other in the first round, with the winner advancing and playing against the best division winner in the Divisional series.

This is not a big change for the playoff system, but it is a big change for baseball. If you use 1900 as the start of the modern era, baseball has modified its playoff format twice, by creating two divisions in each league in 1968, and by creating three divisions and a wildcard in 1994. A third change, to two wildcard teams, will most likely occur in 2012, meaning that there have been two format changes in 18 years.

I’m opposed to this new format change, because, like college basketball and the NCAA tournament, I see it as only a first step. You get some more teams in the playoffs (or the tourney), but the format is so odd that no one really likes it. So then you’ve got to make it better, and the only way to do that is to add some more teams to make the first round a “real” first round. It’s like having a baseball’s version of a play-in game for the playoffs. And while VCU was a play-in team and had a great run in the NCAA tourney this year, I argue that most people think the extra games just make the playoffs go too long and cheapen a good thing.

In the end, what’s driving this is the almighty dollar. More games = more TV time = more money from broadcasting rights. It’s a simple formula to which it seems every major sport in America is selling out. I liked baseball’s 4-team playoffs; it made sense and worked to benefit divisions that had more than one good team. Now I’m just waiting and wondering when the next “improvement” to baseball’s playoffs is coming.

June 8, 2012

Pretty slow day for Heffernan news. Not much going on at all, right? Riiiiiight!

On an unrelated note, I have been peripherally following this story for months, and have been on the fence. Until now. I am now going all-in. The Alien prequel, currently in development is going to be the best movie in the history of cinema.

Okay, maybe that is a bit of a stretch, but I have no further doubt that this will be an amazing film. Ridley Scott - check. H.R. Giger - check. Aliens - check. Rated R - check. Mega budget - check. Epic scope - check. Something completely new, imaginative and breathtaking - check (according to all reports from Scott and his actors). The only thing I am holding out on are the characters. It's tough to beat a couple dozen colonial marines who are wisecracking for half the movie. Hopefully, they will not make the mistake of trying to replace Sigourney Weaver with a pseudo-Ripley heroine. We've been let down before, so this will be tough.

I have been reading a lot of the news as this project has come to fruition. You can get caught up at the Alien Prequel News website. However, I am strongly considering a 100% moratorium on any future news. Although the plot is a total secret, and a lot of misinformation is floating around, you know details will emerge. However, if you are on the fence as I was, reading through some of this will convince you.

So I propose a Heffernan expedition to the biggest, baddest 3D IMAX theater around to see Prometheus (working title) on opening night. Right now, Fox has claimed June 8, 2012 for a possible blockbuster run for the upcoming prequel. Mark your calendars, and let's roll.

Game Over - China Wins!

Suspected site of China's top secret time machine!

China is a capitalist economy with a communist government. Essentially this allows the government to control resources, information and ultimately, 1.2 billion citizens. We all know about China's notorious censorship over the media and internet. They must protect the minds of the masses from anything that may incite revolution.

So I read the following NY Times article with initial amusement, only to be followed by concern and fear.

Making TV Safer: Chinese Censors Crack Down on Time Travel

Initially, I thought this was hilarious. Then I started to wonder. Why would China really care if people watched Back to the Future or The Time Machine? It doesn't subvert their national agenda. It's not like the citizens will demand revolution after watching Marty McFly ride a skateboard through 1950's USA.

I have now come to the only possible explanation. China is currently working on a massive covert project to create a time machine. They plan to go back in time, change history and become the dominant culture of the entire planet. They don't want time travel questions to cloud the minds of the people and scientists slaving away on this project, so all ideas on time travel are now BANNED!

How does it work? How should I know. I just think we've gotta build our own time machine stat, or take out theirs before we wake up speaking Mandarin. I'm thinking the Three Rivers Gorge might be a good place to start looking for this project.

Roadkill Cook-Off

So I was reading "Reader's Digest" (bathroom literature) tonight, and noticed an interesting article. It was about local Americana pastimes and traditions, and one pooped, er... popped out at me:

"West Virginia Roadkill Cook-Off
Recent prize-winning dishes have included splat-cat and smeared hog with groundhog gravy. In Marlinton, WV."

Now I don't know if mom and dad ever went to the Roadkill Cook-Off when they lived in Marlinton, but Ted, I think this could be the smoking gun for proof of why you had that hernia!

Reds Clinch NL Central on April 6

I went to my first Reds game of the 2011 season last night and had a great time. Above is a pic from my seat. I have several VERY IMPORTANT observations, in chronological order.

Free Parking on 6th Street Rocks
I don't know why I've never done this before. You come in right on 6th, and the meter parking spots are right there! Plenty of spaces, free after 6pm, and best of all, you take 2 lefts around the block and you shoot right back onto 5th Street to get out!

Scalping Rules Once Again
I went with Tom and Bryan. We planned on just getting some tickets at the ticket window, but Bryan was running late. We decided to just check out the scalpers and see what they had. We got Section 130 right behind the Reds dugout, about 20 rows up. Awesome. We bought them for under face value at $30 a piece. That's almost $70 cheaper than what I paid on StubHub for infield seats last year. I will plan on scalping for all future games.

Bottom-Up Beer is a Joke and will Fail Miserably
The premise is awesome. A rapid, perfect pour of draft beer with no foam. Execution is AWFUL. So a magnet seals the botton of the cup after the machine fills it. If you touch the bottom of the cup, your beer spills everywhere! I saw that happen SEVERAL times. Even if you are a good drunk and don't touch the bottom, it still drips almost every time you take a drink. Just awful!

Edinson Volquez is our #5 Starter - Maybe
Whenever he has a big game, Dusty inexplicably trusts him with the start. His explanation is always his easy-going nature and lack of stress in big games. Well, he may be easy-going, but he still sucks. I have zero trust when he takes the mound. He'll throw hard and get a bunch of K's, but he will walk a ton of batters and is susceptible to implosion at any time. Any of the other guys may have an off night, but at least you know what you get with them.

Aroldis Chapman is Awesome
First time I've seen him pitch. He consistently is over 100 mph. He topped out at 104 mph last night. The excitement he brings to the stadium, wow! Seriously, the Reds are up 12-4 t start the 7th. Good time t0 get a snack. Then Chapman comes out of the pen. Every sits and stays in their seat - to see him warm up! Then he just mows them down. This guy is going to be good.

The Reds are the Total Package
We were down big, but came roaring back. The Reds just play baseball. We now have a team that consistently does all the little things right. Start with defense. We must have the #1 defense in baseball. Every position is a Gold Glove, or nearly. Gomes is the exception, but Heisley started last night, and he is every bit as good as Stubbs and Bruce in the OF. That will get us a lot of wins. We also capitalize on every mistake our opponent makes. Of course, we also can MASH it! I don't see how we lose the Central, unless we get the injury bug in a big way.

Pringles, Mmmmmmmmm

I have always had a soft spot for Pringles (and Tater Skins), but back to Pringles. Pringles are one of the gazillion brands of consumer goods made by Procter & Gamble, most of which we have no idea they make. Apparently, P&G is selling the brand. The Enquirer thus decided to do a photo article of a bunch of strange Pringles flavors from around the world. Why can't I get this stuff here in Cincinnati, the home of P&G. I'd be a chip junkee!

I apologize if the pics are a little small. Hard to fit all these in a blog post. Here are the flavors:

• Beef Kabob
• Blueberry & Hazelnut (Health food Pringles)
  
• Keema Curry (Will this induce the runs like regular curry?)
  
• Garlic Seafood (Is this fresh catch?)
  
• Grilled Shrimp (Perfect for dipping in cocktail sauce)
  
• New Yorker's Street (Chili Dog) (Only another country would long for this)
  
• Mozzarella Sticks & Marinara (Fridays scooped again)
  
• Old American Circus (Funky Mustard)
• Prawn Cocktail
• Honey Roast Chicken
• Roast Turkey (Thanksgiving dinner in a chip)
  
• Rock The Floor (Whaaaaaaat?)
  
• Seaweed (Only in Japan)
  
• Soft Shell Crab (My personal favorite)
  
• Cheeseburger
  

Winner.

I almost didn't fill out a bracket this year. The kids had been sick. Work was crazy busy. We had a lot going on and I still hadn't completed my bracket about an hour before tip-off on Thursday. But I felt like I would be letting the family down so I just threw something together, picking almost at random.

It just goes to show you HOW AWESOME I AM!

Through two rounds I was middling. The Sweet 16 was painful. I came out of that round with only 1 team still alive. Fortunately for me it was the team that would go ALL. THE. WAY.

It seems everyone out there forgot some basic tenets of tournament picking, which I'll rehash for you here...

1. Never pick a team coached by Bill Self (Kansas) to win it all.
2. Never pick your alma mater (Notre Dame).
3. Never pick a team who's best player is a freshman (Ohio State).
4. Pick the hot team (UConn).

There are exceptions to these rules, sure, but they are rare. As soon as I saw multiple people breaking the first three and me the only one following #4 I knew I was in good shape.

So in summary... WINNER.